Finding Peace (My Birth Story)

(FYI: From here on out when I mention my boys in this blog their names will be Tumult and Peace. Enjoy the most beautiful story in my life to date. I didn't blog about it as it was going on because it was too much stress...but here is the cold, hard, truth, and the amazing, empowering ending.)

I feel a need to start my story at the beginning. When I found out I was pregnant, the first thing I knew was that I wanted a different experience than my first birth. I looked into the hospital on island that is thought to be more natural based, and set up an appointment with a midwife who delivered there. Upon going to my first appointment, I was presented with a contract, basically saying that when I got to the hospital to have the baby, I would comply and do all these things. (allow a hep lock, allow pitocin if necessary, comply to anything doctors deemed necessary) This didn’t sit well with me…I hadn’t even confirmed my pregnancy yet and they were already telling me how my birth was going to go. I started to research other options.

It was then, I came across my midwife, Selena, who is one of the more well known midwives here. She used to run a birthing cottage, but now goes around the island doing home births. I figured for sure that upon calling her she was going to turn me away. I was incredibly anemic when I delivered my first baby and I knew that made even the hospital providers uncomfortable. When Selena returned my call she wanted to tell me all about home birth and meet with me. I told her that I had some issues that may not allow me to birth at home and her response was “What could possibly not allow you to birth at home?” Upon telling her, she told me she worked with women who had the same blood disorder as me and they had healthy, beautiful births at home. She told me all these things we could do to build my system and I was so optimistic. When she came to our house to meet us, I knew I had to have her on my side.

Selena would visit us every two weeks. She started right away when I was only 6 weeks. I told her it seemed kind of crazy since most hospitals made people wait until 12 weeks in case of miscarriage. She looked at me and said “We are not going to think like that.” When Selena was there, the energy was different and everything was possible. 

I had a few things come up that I thought for sure were going to upset Selena. First, my blood count came back low, which was not a surprise. I knew I was not going to be able to get to the 10 that everyone felt I should be at to deliver at home. Selena reminded me that was okay. I was making progress and working hard to build my blood and that was what mattered. She pointed out that my platelets were high which was great and I had amazing iron stores, despite my anemia. She worked with me. 

At around 33 weeks, my blood pressure started to spike. I again, lost it and feared the worst…pre eclampsia. Selena reminded me that it was all relative. I didn’t have any other symptoms of pre eclampsia and my blood pressure, though high, wasn’t THAT high. She brought me back from fear and reminded me of this. It was at this time, I realized how much fear and trauma had surfaced from my first birth. My midwives had given up on me that time…and I was worried it was going to be more of the same. Selena never did that though. 

The biggest challenge came around 34 weeks, when we found our baby boy to be in the transverse (sideways) position. My OB started to seem a little nervous, as they like to see babies turn by 36 weeks to the head down position. I tried everything…chiro…moxa…homepathics…you name it. At 35 weeks, he had flipped to the head down position. I thought this journey was over.

At 37 weeks, we found the baby to be transverse again. This was a bit more nerve wrecking as I knew my OB wanted me to do something about it. Selena worked with my fears…she did a tapping session to release them (which I may blog about later, as it was very trippy) and she encouraged me to try my other methods of turning him. At 38 weeks, he was back to head down.

I thought the worst was over, but then at 39 weeks I was getting a pedicure and started to feel panic. Upon standing up, I felt a discomfort that only meant one thing. My almost full term baby had turned sideways again. I went home and cried…my husband and I tried to turn him back with rebozo and other exercises. We got an ultrasound later that night and it confirmed he was sideways. 

The next morning when Selena came, she discovered the baby to be up and down again. We didn’t know if he was breech or head down. Selena mentioned she was skilled in breech delivery and that if I wanted to attempt it, she would be able to. I trusted her, but it also didn’t resonate with me that my baby would be born breech, so I felt a little worry. At least he was up and down though. In the transverse position, it is not possible for babies to come out. I knew up and down was better than sideways no matter what.

I again, tried to surrender, but was still feeling unsettled. At 40 weeks…my baby flipped sideways again. First I laughed…then I started to feel the panic set in. He felt so stuck this time. He wasn’t budging at all. The next day, I texted Selena and told her I felt something wasn’t quite right. She urged me to go to my OB and ease my mind. She said “Maybe he’s trying to tell you he wants to come.” She always encouraged I listen to my instinct. Upon getting to the OB, we discovered our baby was perfect. His decels were great, his biophysical profile was perfect, his fluid was awesome…but he was breech. The OB looked at me and said “Well I can give you a c section.” I wanted to cry. I knew she was not comfortable with me leaving her office without scheduling something. But I think she also knew I wasn’t backing down. She let me go with no argument. 

When I got home, I called Selena. I was defeated. A baby can’t turn  back at 40 weeks. Why was this happening to me? I know I agreed I could do a breech birth but it felt unsettling and wrong. I felt like this was not the position my baby wanted to be in. I could feel him fighting to move to a different position. I realized, this was where the panic was coming from. But I didn’t know what to do. He needed to get back down and he was trying to tell me…but I knew I was already doing everything I could to help him. I felt all my fears creep back. What if my blood pressure rises higher? What if there is meconium? What if I just never go into labor on my own? Selena talked me down to the best of her ability, and then let me go. I cried to my husband. I told him maybe I should just end the misery and schedule a c section. He told me he would absolutely not judge me, but that he knew I could still do this. He never felt fear and truly believed in me. During my meltdown with my husband, I got a call from Jaymie, who is our Midwife Under Supervision. She works with Selena, and was at all our appointments. Jaymie just has a way of talking to me that gets through to me. She stayed on the phone with me for around an hour. She told me how she trusts babies…how she knows my boy isn’t doing this to me to hurt me…how we will see the answer soon. She encouraged me to explore all my options so no matter what I would feel safe. She found me a few doctors who would do breech delivery in the hospital if home birth was too daunting to me, she found doctors willing to do a version at 41 weeks, and she encouraged me that above all, I didn’t need to change any plans…it was all up to me. When I still didn’t seem to calm down much, she encouraged me to take a bath and have a little glass of wine. I did as told, and slept amazingly that night. 

The next morning, I talked to Sunshine, my doula, about everything. Sunshine was with everyone else…she didn’t feel this was over and knew I was getting my home birth. She suggested we do a fear release, as she had a script to turn a breech baby. I agreed, though apart from calming me, I didn’t feel this would do much. I mean c’mon…turning a baby with your mind? That’s silly! Or Is it? 

Later that day, I went to see my chiropractor for a Webster technique adjustment. On the car ride there, I had no idea why I was even doing this. It obviously wasn’t working…I had been going since 34 weeks. Suddenly I heard a voice in my head. I have no idea whose voice this was…it could have been my own. It could have been Peace’s. It could have been someone completely different. The voice kept saying “Let go…and you will find peace.” (I found this funny since my son's name means peace) Every time I had a doubt come into my head, this voice kicked in. I tried my best to listen, but letting go was not easy…not after all this craziness. I still heard the voice every day up until my baby was born…every time any doubt kicked in, this voice was there. Sometimes I tried to dismiss it, sometimes it balanced me, and sometimes it motivated me. But it was always there. 

When Sunshine came over the next night Friday, April 10th, I was calm. I was detached. I was trying not to make any decisions or think about what was ahead. I was going to the hospital on Monday, the 13^th, to talk to the doctors who were willing to attempt a breech delivery…just for options. They were going to offer me a version and at the moment I was thinking I was going to allow it. I sat there, eating my brownie sundae and told Sunshine of these plans. She listened without judgment. We were all sitting around laughing and talking, when Peace started to move his head. I showed her “Look at this big brick moving in my ribs…look how uncomfortable?” She laughed and touched it…then she started to gently shake it. I asked her what she was doing, and she responded “I’m making him dance.” I giggled…Sunshine was so silly. What happened next was insane…the head started to move down slowly! We were all in awe. She kept tapping him, saying “Come on Peace!” I joked that she was performing a version of her own. She laughed and assured me that the version would be much more horrid and painful. Sunshine kept encouraging the head down, when he went sideways. I didn’t feel nearly as much panic as I did all the other times he went sideways. I laughed and said “Great, now he’s sideways!” Sunshine said “Who cares? You’re going for a version anyway. If he’s sideways, they have to do less work.” She kind of had a point. I teased her about what she was doing, and she got silly, referring to it as “love taps.” She continued making him dance, but then we had no idea where the head went. After how silly we were, we decided to get serious and do the hypnosis script.

I laid on the couch, as Sunshine read the script, along with some beautiful chime music in the background. I closed my eyes and tried to really focus into letting this be a good experience for me. I got down deeper and deeper into hypnosis…I saw a projection of all my fears on a movie screen, and watched them disappear. I saw my birth for what I wanted it to be. Then, it started to get trippy. I lost any knowledge of what Sunshine was saying in the script. I was at a beautiful scene with a pond and some of the most amazing green grass. I felt my pelvis get warm (and Sunshine explained later that she was talking to the baby and her hand was over my pelvis) and then finally felt something heavy drop down into it. I was calm.  I bonded with my baby’s spirit and never wanted to leave this moment. So I didn’t…When Sunshine ended the script and attempted to take me out of hypnosis, my subconscious declined. I heard her stop and heard the music go off, but stayed where I was for another hour, bonding with my baby and soaking up this connection that I truly don’t think we had until this moment. When I came to, Sunshine was gone. I got up and got into bed.

That night, my dreams were trippy. During the final sequence, I had a dream where my midwife was checking the baby’s position and she told me he was head down. I woke up from this dream and upon standing I noticed the bed was all wet. Did my water break? When I went to the bathroom, a huge piece of my plug came out. This was it! I called Selena and told her I thought my water broke. What was even trippier was that she had been dreaming about me when I called!  She told me to go back to bed. We made a plan to wait for contractions to pick up and go from there. I started to have some…they got a tad bit strong…then upon laying down they tapered off. Selena encouraged me to rest because she thought it was coming.

On Sunday morning, I woke up to absolutely no change. Everything stalled. Selena suggested she and Jaymie come over and check me, and make a plan from there. I started to panic…if my water did break I was going to have to go to the hospital and get induced. Nothing was happening.

Upon inspection, it was decided that my water did not break. While in there, Jaymie checked me. She couldn’t even get into my cervix to see how dilated I was. This was discouraging. However, I was 80% effaced. She encouraged me that this was great progress. So we didn’t have to make any plans, except to wait for true labor to start. Baby was up and down, but we had no idea if he was head down or breech…yet again. I was going to the hospital the next morning for an ultrasound and possibly a version. Selena was coming. We were making plans on when to meet there. Selena pointed out I was starting to get my worried face on…I swear she read me creepily well. I looked at her and said “I’m just not sure if I want to do a version even if he is breech. I feel so at peace with where he is right now. He seems to have made his choice and I feel wrong to mess with that.” Selena assured me I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to. She did however, advise me to eat a lot of protein, drink a lot of water, and snack lightly the next morning so the doctors would not “find” anything wrong leading them to pressure induction, etc. I was 41 weeks after all, and this gestational age can be very daunting to doctors. 

The next morning, I woke up to surges (contractions) yet again. I felt I didn’t really want to go to the hospital at all…my body and baby were working together and doing things. I just had to surrender and trust it. I texted Selena to tell her I was having the surges, and without me even saying anything she asked “Do you still want to go to the hospital?” I think she knew I had already made up my mind. I still felt uneasy about trusting my instincts. I told her I would talk to my husband, who said “don’t do it…we can go on a hike instead.” I told Selena and Sunshine our decision, and then quickly called Jaymie to confirm that if baby was breech and there was a complication, I would be able to transfer my care to the doctors who performed breech vaginal delivery. 

Later that afternoon, Sunshine led Kyle and I on a really beautiful 5 mile hike. I felt my baby drop and drop, lower and lower. I also started to notice a pattern in my surges. Every time Kyle came near me, I would start surging like crazy. When he left the room they would stop. I told this to Selena jokingly and she texted me back seriously to tell me “That’s because you love him. You make oxytocin when you’re around him. “ She encouraged us to snuggle and make out. We did, and surges picked up…but I knew with them not picking up enough he would have to go back to work the next day. This discouraged me.

The next day, April 14^th, Kyle went back to work and my surges stopped. I was discouraged. I was giving up. I was so done with this entire thing. Hadn’t I been through enough? Was my sanity not worth anything? Why couldn’t I just do what was already coming and schedule a cesarean? What was I doing all this for? I was sitting in the living room with my mom and son and I felt the tears set in. I went in my room, laid in bed and cried. While I was crying, I got a text from Selena asking how things were progressing. (again, she read me well)

I told Selena everything had stopped...yet again. She then asked how I would feel about taking herbs to try to start labor naturally. I told her I would do anything. After talking to Jaymie, she told me she would be over that afternoon. Before we ended our text chat she asked how I was feeling. I told her the truth. Her response was “Well pump yourself up again. You can and will do this. Rest until I get there. I’ll bring a bunch of different options and we will decide what is best.” 

I heard that voice again…it was insistent. “Let go…and you will find peace.” I stopped crying. I was going to do this. I told Kyle what was happening and he said he was going to try to get out early. I sat in the bath, with a bath bomb and let the blue water and seaweed soak me up. I had on a hypnosis track called “Come OUT baby.” I listened to it, and I felt Peace listen to it as well. I came out of that bath a different woman. I had surrendered. I spent the rest of the afternoon watching friends and laying down. This wasn’t over until I decided it was over…and I was deciding to own my birth at this very moment. Then I noticed something upon laying down in bed…I was surging…and it was not Braxton hicks. I timed these surges and they were about 10 minutes apart. I wasn’t excited, but thought it was funny that as soon as Selena was on her way they decided to kick in. 

When I opened the door for Selena, I believe she immediately picked up on my changed energy. I told her what had happened and she was happy. She told me she thought the last step in me going into labor was surrendering, and I definitely agreed. She also mentioned, sometimes women who get induced have a thing where their bodies will wait around the second time for a little push. She wanted to give me a little push to see if It would help. I was given a tincture of black and blue cohosh to drink. (one relaxes the uterus, and one prevents labor from stalling) I took that tincture every hour for four hours. After that, Selena applied clary sage to my belly, lovingly. She paused and I really felt her energy connecting with mine and my baby’s. It was what I needed. We laughed as she held my belly and it started to surge. She remarked that I was responding really well already.

After this, she decided to do a cervical massage. This was not a membrane sweep. She simply went up into my cervix and massaged it with evening primrose oil. When she finally got to my cervix, she told me I was a 1-2. Once she hooked on the inside of it, she started instructing me to imagine a rose bud opening. As I did this, she gradually massaged me open. Not even 5 minutes later she said “Look, now you’re a 3.” I was in disbelief. She massaged for a bit longer, showing me some pressure points along the way, and then decided to call me a solid 2. She commented she really thought I would be calling her that night or the next day. I showed many signs of being ready. 

After Selena left, I felt different. I was sitting on my ball and surges were coming regularly and with intensity. I could still talk through them, so I still figured maybe I was just crampy from the massage. I looked at Kyle and said “You know what we should do? We should go out to dinner. Then it will happen.” Kyle agreed. My mom did not like this plan, and urged us to stay close by in case things picked up. When I told Sunshine we were going to dinner, she laughed at me. We decided to go to Roys at Ko Olina, which was only 10 minutes down the road.

I got dolled up for what I was optimistic would be my last dinner out for awhile. I had completely surrendered and I was ready to embrace whatever was to come. Upon entering Roy’s, our hostess asked me how far along I was. I responded that I was 41.5 weeks. She commented “You should just have the baby right here.” I told her I just might. I don’t think she realized I was serious.

We had a delicious dinner, thought I think both of us were a tiny bit nervous, as my surges never stopped and stayed regular throughout. The waitress brought over a dessert menu and Kyle asked me what I wanted to do. My response was “If I’m really in labor, you damn well better believe I’m eating dessert first…and if I’m not, I’ll be really upset I didn’t get dessert.” 

We paid our bill and left. Walking to the car I started to feel a shift. I do believe in looking back, this shift was into active labor, but of course no one was checking me so I have no idea. Kyle had to hold the car door for me and I had to finish a surge before I could climb in the car. I mentioned on the drive home that “This might just be happening.” Kyle thought I was nuts, as he knew it was. On the drive home he went over a pot hole and I almost killed him. I recalled that this was how I felt with my first birth around 4 cm. 

I texted my doula, Sunshine on the way home to tell her that my surges didn’t stop through dinner and were picking up. She told me she was heading over to our house, and for the first time ever I did not argue with her. I told Selena things were picking up and she urged me to time my surges when I got home.

Upon timing, we found my surges were about 5-7 minutes apart, lasting about a minute. Selena’s advice was to go to bed and rest before it picked up. Me being the skeptic, didn’t want to do this. When Sunshine got to our house she remarked that I had SO much energy and suggested a walk. I agreed, and we set out on the steep hill of our street. In hindsight, I’m not sure what we were thinking. As we walked, Sunshine urged me to stop during the surges if I needed to. First I didn’t, but after awhile I realized it was probably a good idea. She took some pictures of this. I must have been a sight to see…I wonder what all the cars driving by thought.

When we got home, Kyle was already in bed. I told Sunshine I was going to try to join him, and she thought this was a good idea. I drank some electrolytes and got into bed. I was just not comfortable. I slept probably 5-10 minutes at a time. I’m thinking it was closer to 5. The surges woke me up and I breathed through them. Finally, at around midnight, I gave up on the fact that I was going to get any restful sleep. I decided I’d message with some friends on the east coast in an effort to keep me laying down so I could at least rest my body a bit…but after about a half hour I grew irritated with this too. Laying down was just not comfortable anymore. I needed to change positions in order to get through this with ease. 

I went out in the living room, where Sunshine was resting and labored on my ball for a bit while hanging out with her. She told me to think about texting Selena and telling her where I was at. At this point, contractions were 3-4 minutes apart, lasting a minute. When I texted Selena, she asked me if I wanted to think about taking a bath or shower to help me rest. I told her I didn’t feel I was there quite yet. She responded she thought I was still in early labor, and I agreed. (Though in hind sight I don’t believe this) 

Only about 10 minutes after talking to Selena, I realized I needed to shift to another position. I decided to try the tub. I stayed in the tub for about 90 minutes. I think this was a great way to allow myself to rest my body…but then I reached a point where even the tub was not doing it for me. After this, it was about 3:30am, and I got Kyle up and told him I didn’t think he should go into work that morning. The look he gave me was priceless…a typical “duh Kimberly” moment. Kyle got up and got himself together so he could help me however I needed. He started offering me counter pressure (aka pushing on my back through surges) which was glorious. 

After awhile, Sunshine texted me and asked how I was doing. I told her I was uncomfortable and gave her permission to come into our bedroom. I sat on the ball in our bedroom while Kyle did some counter pressure and we all just hung out while I had my spa music going. At around 4:30 I decided I needed another position shift, so we went out into the living room and kitchen. I was starting to tire out at this point and really wanted to rest, so Sunshine propped me up on the couch in a way that would be comfortable through surges. I was able to rest in between and this was really working great for awhile. 

At 5:17am, I got a message from Selena asking how I was doing and for an update. I told her I was very uncomfortable. She asked me to time my surges again and tell her. I got a little irritated at this point. I looked at Sunshine and said “I don’t want to text her anymore…and I don’t want to time my surges!” Sunshine laughed and said “You should probably tell her that.” I think she noted that I was at a point where it was probably good for the midwives to head over. My response was “I don’t want to be rude.” I timed my surges, which were now 2-3 minutes apart, lasting a minute. I texted Selena quickly, then handed my phone to Sunshine, because I truly was done with the phone at this point. I really needed to focus. Selena asked Sunshine to update her over the next hour and told her that she and the other midwives were on their way. She suggested I eat something. Since there are no IVs in a home birth, it’s really important to eat in order to keep up strength. Kyle brought me a muffin and a banana. I think I had 2 bites of the banana and then picked off tiny bird like pieces of the muffin. I couldn’t eat…but I did make sure to drink lots of electrolytes. 

I then reached a point around 6am where I had no desire to be sitting or laying down at all. I turned my nose up at the ball when Sunshine suggested it and from there on out decided I would be standing or kneeling. I also started to be rather directive at Kyle when he was doing his counter pressure. “Higher, lower, harder.” He was awesome and went with it…but he was getting nervous. The midwives were not there yet and he knew I was far into this labor. He was secretly saying a little prayer that they got there before the baby did. 

While waiting for the midwives, we took some silly pictures in between surges. I started to feel an intense pressure like I had to go to the bathroom, but every time I tried to go nothing would come out. I didn’t want to push super hard before I was ready and I didn’t have an urge that big, so I let it go and dealt with the intense pressure. It was nagging at me though.

I was standing in the bedroom around 6:30 when Sunshine came in to let me know that Selena had arrived. A few minutes later, Selena came in to say hi. I greeted her, bright eyed, bushy tailed, happy and making jokes. No wonder she was very skeptical I was in active labor. She was great about never letting me know this though. She first took her Doppler and attempted to find baby’s heart beat. It took a good few minutes and was rather nerve wrecking. My belly was so tight, it was hard to find sound at all. Finally, we found the heartbeat, extremely low…and it was perfect. Selena then looked at me and asked “Do you want to be checked?” I laughed and said no. She left it alone and left the room. The other two midwives, Jaymie (the assistant midwife) and Summer (another midwife who was coming as an extra pair of hands) had gotten there during this time as well. 

About 10 minutes later, Sunshine came into my room and threw it out there. “So…you need to let Selena check you.”  (apparently Selena had mentioned in the other room that she did not believe me to be too far into labor by the awfully chatty way I was acting) I looked at Sunshine and said “I don’t want to be checked…if I’m still 3 centimeters I am going to lose my mind.” Kyle rolled his eyes while he set up the drop cloth on our bed and said “You are not 3 centimeters.” Sunshine reminded me I could just let Selena check me and then no one had to tell me anything. My response was “If she’s going to check me, I better get to find out the results. I’m not laying down for all that just to not even get to find out.” The thought of laying down was truly the most daunting part of this for me. But Sunshine is convincing, and I eventually obliged and told her Selena could come in and check me.

While I was waiting for Selena, I was kneeling on the bed having surges, while Kyle pushed on my low back. When Selena came in, she had a blood pressure cuff. She put it around my arm and of course as soon as it started to take I had a surge. I got out “Of course this is going to happen right now” and threw myself against the pillow, while Kyle pushed my back again. When the blood pressure cuff stopped and revealed my reading, Selena just stared at the screen wide eyed. She looked at me and said “Alright…we are going to take that again.” She acknowledged that according to the blood pressure cuff I was having some strong surges. I asked her out of curiosity what the initial reading was during the surge and she said 160/100. Yowza! She took it again when I was not surging and it was normal.

Then came the check. I laid down on the bed as we all waited in anticipation of the number of centimeters I was. During this time, Kyle looked at Sunshine and said “She’s a 7. I know it.” Selena reached in and immediately noted the baby’s head was at 0 station, and I was 85-90% effaced. She then reached further and said “You’re 7 centimeters.” I was ecstatic. Suddenly labor felt so much easier. I knew I was having this baby sometime this morning. Then came our next question…was I delivering a head or a butt? We still had no idea. Selena felt around for a crack but could not find one. She then commented she thought she felt a suture and that it seemed we were dealing with a head. No one was willing to bet 100%, however. We were about to find out for sure though.

The midwives started to set up the tub for me, and I told Sunshine it may be a good idea to tell my mom to come down and grab breakfast for her and Tumult, my older son, as I knew she wasn’t going to want to come down during any chaos. When my mom came down, I asked to see Tumult, and they came into my room. We talked for a bit and I got to kiss my son. I looked at my mom and said “Did they tell you I’m a 7?” She looked at me and said “Really?” I think this freaked her out a bit, as I definitely wasn’t acting this far in labor. She told me she was proud of me and that she loved me, and then I started another surge. With that, she left and took Tumult upstairs. 

The surges were really getting intense at this point. Selena came in my room to ask me if I would mind if Jaymie delivered me, as she is working towards her certification as a midwife and needed to deliver a number of births to achieve this. I was so ecstatic about this and agreed. Jaymie was such a support to me during my pregnancy and I was so excited that I was able to help her along the way. From this point on, Jaymie started to take over. She took the baby’s heartbeat, and encouraged me to relax my shoulders through surges. 

I was still in the bedroom when Sunshine came in and asked if I wanted to go get in the birth tub because it was all set up. I was kind of wishy washy at this point…nothing was 100% comfortable. She said “You might as well get your money’s worth…you paid to have that tub.” I laughed and agreed that I would get in the tub. 

When I walked out to the living room it was transformed. The tub was really nice…not what I imagined it was going to be, as I’ve seen some really ratty looking birth tubs. I got in the water, and it was so nice and hot. There was a little thermometer in the tub of a duck with sunglasses. This cracked me up and I started to joke around about it. Surging in the tub was nice, but I still very much needed Kyle’s counter pressure. I really wanted to embrace Kyle and kiss him at this point, but I knew in the earlier days he made my surges stronger…and I couldn’t take any stronger than what I had, so I resisted this urge. When I did have surges, I only had enough time to briefly say "I need you," as either he or Sunshine rushed over to push on my back.

While in the tub, I really went into myself and everyone was just sitting around and letting me be. I came upon the realization that I was actually going to have to do this again…I was going to have to go through transition and push a baby out. This sounds exciting when you’re just pregnant and thinking about it, but being in the moment, all the memories of the sensations from my first birth came back. When it is your second baby, there is no denying what you’re in for and what is coming. I wondered how long it would be before I got to this point, very much anticipating a crazy transition. But I was still calm at this point…it was a crazy difference from my last birth. I started to get really hot, and kept asking for cold face cloths on my neck and forehead. I was drinking electrolytes like crazy. The combination of the hot water on my hips and cold cloths on my neck and face was awesome. But then…I had to pee. 

I quickly alerted everyone, and they helped me out of the tub and up to the bathroom. I closed the door so I could do my business, and then realized I did not want to leave the toilet. I really wanted to go to the bathroom with the pressure I was feeling. I quickly asked for someone to help me as I was just not comfortable and unsure of what to do. 

The door flew open and Kyle and Jaymie walked in, while Selena, Summer and Sunshine hung around outside the bathroom on the steps. Jaymie started trying to take a heart beat from the baby again while Kyle gave me some good counter pressure. My surges were just too intense at this point. Jaymie placed her hand gently on my shoulders and encouraged me to relax them. I mentioned the pressure and Jaymie suggested it was the baby. I told her I didn’t think so because my water still needed to break. Jaymie calmly just said “That’s okay…and maybe your baby will be born in the caul.” I took a few minutes to think…then looked at Jamie and uttered the sentence “I don’t want to do this.” (It was noted that this was the only sign of transition I ever went through…I had basically no transition. What a difference from my last birth)

Right after uttering these words, a surge hit me that made me grab up on the window sill, bear down and groan like a cave woman. (I had been completely silent up until this point) It stopped everyone in their tracks. I felt a large bowling ball coming down and realized the pressure was not me having to go to the bathroom…I was having a baby…and the baby was going to come out in the toilet if I didn’t do something. Jaymie calmly looked at me and asked if I wanted to get back in the tub. I looked at her and uttered “That’s probably a good idea.” Kyle shook his head and said “I’m glad you realize that.”  I quickly got up from the toilet and noticed a bunch of blood in the toilet. My only thought was that the stairs were carpeted and I was going to stain them. (something I was laughed at for later on) I booked it back to the tub in the living room. Kyle noted while I was walking that there was a head coming out of me. He nervously alerted Jaymie to this, but she was calm. 

When I got in the tub, she got behind me and started encouraging me to push my baby out. Sunshine was in front of me, really helping me work my breathing and energy down. With every push I squeezed her hand…I’m not sure if I found hers or if she grabbed onto mine, but I recall it happening. Kyle was still behind me giving me counter pressure. Jaymie told me I could reach down and feel the head if I wanted to. I reached down and felt a little tiny something coming out, noting that I was not even close to crowning, though the pressure was intense. “THAT’S IT???” I snapped. Everyone laughed at me. I think I even laughed at myself. I then asked “Wait…so it’s a head?” They told me that yes, it was a head. I immediately looked at Sunshine and said “You did it!” and started making commentary. Selena then interrupted me and told me I needed to push my baby out. I started pushing again, but not much was happening. I do recall that with every surge that hit at this point I felt Peace’s head jerk like he was working to come out as well. It was so incredibly intense. Jaymie was so intuitive to what I was doing and with every primal noise that came out of my mouth she reminded me that my baby was just helping me and it was okay. Jaymie then realized that with all of Kyle’s amazing counter pressure, he was actually pushing my coccyx (tailbone) in and the baby’s head was not able to descend. She told Kyle he needed to stop the counter pressure. He let go for the next surge, and with that the baby’s head flew down. It was this surge that was the most intense and with the jerk I felt of the head I let out a huge shrill scream. Sunshine quickly focused me back and got my energy downward again. 

With a couple more pushes, the baby still wasn’t doing much. Jaymie noted I was stretched to my max, so she didn’t want me to push much more, as she held my perineum for support. She told me to not push through a couple surges so she could check for cord. Sure enough, the cord was wrapped loosely around the baby twice, and was putting even more pressure on my perineum along with the head because of its dangly looseness. (This would totally explain why I felt the ring of fire with a vengeance this time around…I never felt it with my first birth) She unwrapped it once but since it was so loose she didn’t feel a need to unwrap it all the way. The head came down a little more. I gave a couple more pushes. The head was out, but the shoulders were stuck. 

Jaymie told me I needed to change position from leaning against the tub, and roll over so that I was facing up. This sounded horrid…there was literally a head hanging out of me and I was to turn around? I quickly said “No I don’t want to…I don’t want to…” during my chaotic response, Sunshine said “You’re going to turn over…here you go,” took her hand and gave one final love tap to assist in the birth of my baby where she pushed me. Because I was in the water, I lost my balance and flipped over unwillingly. Sunshine said something to the effect of “there you go.” This was probably a super funny sight to see from the other side. 

Once I was positioned, I gave a final few pushes and my baby was out at 9:43 am. (Pushing lasted 20 minutes…20 unbearable minutes in my entire 15 hours of labor) Kyle caught him, and he was quickly handed to me. He was motionless and super peaceful, but slightly blue. Everyone started rubbing him. The midwives jumped right in and took his heart beat, which was still great, but he wasn’t breathing. They had me blow in his mouth (which was super empowering) and he let out a gasp, but they still had some work to do in order to get him breathing really well. Jaymie attempted to blow in his mouth as well before they started getting the oxygen. Selena never took the baby from my arms and kept encouraging me “talk to your baby…” I told him hi…and kept asking him if he was okay. I was starting to get a little nervous. After a couple minutes, the oxygen was held up to his face and he started to regulate and pink up. I am so thankful I was home for this, as I know if we had been at a hospital, Peace would have been separated from us. He stayed on my belly while the midwives worked around him. I will note, he was attached to his cord/placenta this entire time, so he was getting some great blood circulation and oxygen from the cord. I held him a little longer, and delivered the placenta within about 10 minutes. After the placenta came out, they had Kyle take the baby into the bedroom to try to help him further while they got me situated. I was given an herb to drink in order to stop the bleeding from getting to be too much, and then they helped me out of the tub. When I got in bed, I was handed the baby and he, Kyle and I snuggled together in bed. Vitals were taken on both of us, and my mom and Tristan were brought in to see us. There was so much love in the room. Jaymie anointed Peace and I with Frankincense oil on our heads and my feet and it was a really special moment. Upon inspecting my placenta, we found that it was perfect with not a single flaw…but what was even more notable was that the umbilical cord was over two feet long. We finally had an answer as to why Peace was the baby that would not say in the pelvis. His cord was so long, there was no way it could restrict him in any way. I felt so complete finally having an answer and a reason as to why all this happened, and it is a crazy and amazing story to tell. We had a jump roper in there!

The midwives then made sure I ate, helped me up to go to the bathroom, and gave Peace his vitamin K shot, but not after having me latch him on so he would be the most comfortable. It was such an amazing experience. The midwives thanked Peace for teaching him and we laughed about how crazy of an experience this entire ordeal was for all of us. Jaymie gave me my post partum care instructions, left some chlorophyll with me, and with that everyone left and the rest of the day was spent getting to know and loving on Peace. (The midwives stayed with me for a total of 4 hours post-birth)

I want everyone reading this to know that despite my having this experience, I don’t feel everyone has to. I had so many moments during this ordeal where I thought about transferring to the hospital or getting a c section so I didn’t have to suffer these mind games anymore…and I’d never blame or judge anyone for doing different than what I did. In telling my story, I’m not encouraging anyone to go natural or saying it is the only way…but what I do want to encourage all mommies to be to do, is always trust your instinct. Even if others may judge you…we always know what is best for our babies and we get gut feelings for a reason. Also, miracles can and do happen, and just because something happens that isn’t the norm, doesn’t mean we should ever let go of trust in ourselves, our bodies and our babies. Never let someone else tell you how to feel. I’m so thankful I listened to the voice in my head, and I know many people judged me for the possibility of a breech delivery and thought I was crazy…but in the end it didn’t even matter…I let go, and I found peace.